Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
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It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Bro what is this
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.