Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
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What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”