@FeelingEuphoric

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

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@FromMinivan

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

@pilau

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

@NoDomesticDiva

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

@ericarhodes

and one last joke for the day. And I will be off driving back to Claremont for two shows. Have a beautiful day.

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

@crocodilethumbs

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

@Ms_WhateverV

“You can’t tell me what to do! I do what I want!”- toddlers, teenagers and US congress

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

@OctopusCaveman

My spirit animal is the opossum. They weren’t meant to live in the suburbs but they sure figured it out.