HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
You Might Also Like
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
*swipes right on my hand mirror
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?