Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing