Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Guilty! 🤪
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?