@RedheadChaos

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

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@DurtMcHurtt

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

@kumailn

Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.

@TuSoonShakur

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

@Jaywoo74

Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.
Me: No.
*snatches phone
Me: MINE

@BitchyJasmine

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing he’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

@jellybnbonanza

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

@01CandyQueen

Bae: come over
Me: do you have food?
Bae: my parents aren’t home
Me: Are they gonna come back with food?

@carlyken

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

@Token_Geezer

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

@CheryeDavis

When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box…But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.