Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
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Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Fiction has to make sense.