Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

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*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*


Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.


HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo


Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.
Me: No.
*snatches phone


I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing he’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.


Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”


Bae: come over
Me: do you have food?
Bae: my parents aren’t home
Me: Are they gonna come back with food?


I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.


The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems


When I was a kid I liked my Jack in the Box…But now I prefer my Jack in the Bottle.