Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
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If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.