@cakickboxher

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

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@spacej_me

Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.

@thenashleysays

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

@recursivetaco

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

@junejuly12

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

@TheHyyyype

[ice fishing]

*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that’s a big ice

@Kids_kubed

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

@Izianikapani

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.