Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
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a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Finally!
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”