Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

- @cakickboxher

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Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.


Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.


[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones


Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!


Not sure which is worse, the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch saying he doesn’t want ugly people wearing his clothes or that people still wear A&F


A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along


“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.


If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.


My neighbor with the Confederate flag is harmless after all.

He just drove off in the cutest little ghost costume.