me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Him: What’s your sign?
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Sorry you handed me your baby and I immediately put it in the garbage I thought that’s what we were doing.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
*pulling on rod* whoa nelly that’s a big ice
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.