@BigJDubz
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
@JediGigi
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
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@BigJDubz
@ColoChiver
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.
@SarahhMcCaff
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
@SentenceReduced
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
@briangaar
Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? “Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?”
@PicturesFoIder
@1MeLrO
Shutting down the bars and liquor stores and my daughters college for the semester.
You want to see a triggered new 21 year old
FML
@Paxochka
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
@patnspankme
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
@QwertyJones3
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..