Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

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One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it


When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.


i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao


Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? “Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?”


Shutting down the bars and liquor stores and my daughters college for the semester.

You want to see a triggered new 21 year old



My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.


Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…


[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..