@JediGigi

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

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@BigJDubz

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

@ColoChiver

When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a “mean drunk” or a “happy drunk.” Gets me out of it every time.

@SarahhMcCaff

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

@briangaar

Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? “Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?”

@1MeLrO

Shutting down the bars and liquor stores and my daughters college for the semester.

You want to see a triggered new 21 year old

FML

@Paxochka

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

@patnspankme

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

@QwertyJones3

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..