Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
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once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.