date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
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Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Don’t mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months
My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, “Actually sir, we have you on camera.”