Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
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Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
The prophecy is fulfilled
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.