Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

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Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that.


me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?


“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”


Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”


A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.


Don’t mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months


My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.


Wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, “Actually sir, we have you on camera.”