@TheWidowmakerX

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

You Might Also Like

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that.

@Gupton68

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

@jellybnbonanza

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

@Darlainky

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

@TedBundybitch

Don’t mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months

@delusions_of

My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.

@UrbanDouchebag

Wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, “Actually sir, we have you on camera.”