@SamSkoronski

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

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@BruppFWTX

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

@bgdadyspnkbtm

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

@CheryeDavis

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

@osno13

Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?

@HomeWithPeanut

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

@shegotagronk

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

@gigi_k1

Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk

@_wangwe

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

@omgshuddup

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

@TuSoonShakur

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!