HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

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“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”


I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.


Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…


Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?


Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.


Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.


Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk


Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.


My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine


Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!