Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

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ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!


[being chased through the woods by a murderer]

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine


If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.


cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer


Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you


(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?


I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”


I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.


Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup


Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith