Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
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Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
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Me: Same
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”