Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Nothing.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.