Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
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Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure