Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
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It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
birds and squirrels envy us
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.