Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
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Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.