Hits rock bottom.
*adds Geologist to resume
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
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I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
[toon world police department]
Chief of police: describe the explosive device?
Me: its like a bowling ball with a fizzy string
Chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan’s, plays video games, and watches sports with me” wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014