@deardilettante

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

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@fro_vo

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

@drinksmcgee

Dog: I saw everything, Barbara. Everything!
Barbara: What are you going to do? Take me to court?
Dog:

@KyleMcDowell86

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

@AnkCoupleTO

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

@AndrewChamings

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

@david8hughes

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

@Ms612

Fellas, if she asks you to sign life insurance policies on the way to your honeymoon, you’re probably not making it out alive.