@deardilettante

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

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@GingerHotDish

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

@sonictyrant

[toon world police department]

Chief of police: describe the explosive device?

Me: its like a bowling ball with a fizzy string

Chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger

@junejuly12

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

@FeelingFisky

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

@dwaghalter

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

@GrandadJFreeman

Niggas be like I want a girl that rocks Jordan’s, plays video games, and watches sports with me” wtf? You want a boyfriend nigga

@BecksWelker

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014