HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
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Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.