Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
It’s an epidemic…
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before