Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
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[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.