i always carry a condom in my wallet incase i can’t finish my corndog
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
You Might Also Like
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Me: Hey if I said you had a nice defibrillator, would you hold it against me?
Paramedic: (blushes) Nooooo…
“I’m a copy-editor”
– who cares
– what does that even mean
“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– maybe you have a sword
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file