Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
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Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Good point.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
work smarter, not harder
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.