Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
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The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Ann: I wanna break up
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Soft on Wall Street. Hard on Sesame Street. Romney 2012.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Guys are probably not very good at Yoga, mainly because every move for them would be called ” The uncomfortable Sausage”
I want to apologize to everyone ive ever told “im going to bed” and then continued tweeting, i wasnt lying to you i was lying to myself