Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.