GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
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Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Got caught again. Next time I’m stealin alcohol from the neighbor’s, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
No, I’m not damaging my liver. I’m about to sterilize it using alcohol.