@jewfacekilla

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

You Might Also Like

@skickwriter

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

@Love_bug1016

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

@WilliamAder

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

@fro_vo

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

@living_marble

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

@clarkekant

Soft on Wall Street. Hard on Sesame Street. Romney 2012.

@paulrobalino

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

@LindzThoughts

Guys are probably not very good at Yoga, mainly because every move for them would be called ” The uncomfortable Sausage”

@BullSpear

I want to apologize to everyone ive ever told “im going to bed” and then continued tweeting, i wasnt lying to you i was lying to myself