@jewfacekilla

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

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@Reverend_Scott

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

@Scriblit

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

@pro_worrier_

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

@DrakeGatsby

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

@AristotlesNZ

Got caught again. Next time I’m stealin alcohol from the neighbor’s, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

@ilovepie84

I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.

@GuyConfused

No, I’m not damaging my liver. I’m about to sterilize it using alcohol.