Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
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I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy