Him: Would you like to join our club?
Me: What kind of club?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: What are the rules?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: Then why did you ask me to join your club?
H: What club?

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I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.


[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*


The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.


[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid


[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory


Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness


I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.


[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?


Me: my best friend is my wife

Everyone: awwww



Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.