
I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.
Him: Would you like to join our club?
Me: What kind of club?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: What are the rules?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: Then why did you ask me to join your club?
H: What club?
I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Me: my best friend is my wife
Everyone: awwww
My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.