him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.


*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?


Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.


My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.


Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.


GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.


If you tell me you’re “a voracious reader”, I’m basically just picturing a dinosaur in my head


commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression


Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.