Just once, I want someone to kick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
Him: Wtf is wrong with you?
*remembers when I sold my soul to Satan for more Oreos
Me: I’m just really tired.
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Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
You look dirty, so does your toaster maybe you should both go for a bath… I’ll draw it
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
The best part of Pitbull is he yells out “MR WORLDWIDE!,” at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station