@Twtercide

Him: Wtf is wrong with you?

*remembers when I sold my soul to Satan for more Oreos

Me: I’m just really tired.

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@TimHaynesJr

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

@raysofdezi

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

@chunkypony

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

@KeetPotato

*gives gf a small gift wrapped box*
“aww what’s this, youre so sweet”
*opens it*
“wait, is this my toothbrush?”
YOU DONT LIVE HERE KAREN

@david8hughes

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

@XplodingUnicorn

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

@MartinPilgrim1

1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party

My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.