Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
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I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
a badder mouse
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
My dad teaching me to drive
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.