Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
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There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Just so funny
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?