Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
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One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
i spent way too long on this
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
From Facebook just now…
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out