@WhaJoTalkinBout

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

You Might Also Like

@deardilettante

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

@slimmy_shady

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

@AkashThakan

Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.

@RodLacroix

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

@RobElliottComic

Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

@caithuls

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

@sydneysagehorn

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

@Birdhumms

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.