[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
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1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Let me tell you why going outside is not safe. Because chances are after a few days you end up retweeting a joke about yourself.
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.