@mexinonblonde

Him-You have the most beautiful lips.

Me-Wait…how do you know what my…..
Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi!
Yes, I know.
Thank you.

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@mexinonblonde

*jumps on stage and snatches up mic and screams*

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!

*gets escorted out of church*

@awkwardphilippe

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

@Shock_Monster

If life had a ‘CTRL + ALT + DEL’ option, you bet your ass I’d be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

@HenpeckedHal

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

@Staggfilms

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

@Sarcasticsapien

When people say things like “You can’t change the past” I can’t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.

@Papa_Mex

Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don’t realize how bad it is for their health…..until I’m choking them