COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
You Might Also Like
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*