*jumps on stage and snatches up mic and screams*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!
*gets escorted out of church*
Him-You have the most beautiful lips.
Me-Wait…how do you know what my…..
Ohhhhh, you mean the lips in my Avi!
Yes, I know.
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there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Why do you want to be Jedi?
[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
If life had a ‘CTRL + ALT + DEL’ option, you bet your ass I’d be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
When people say things like “You can’t change the past” I can’t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don’t realize how bad it is for their health…..until I’m choking them
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.