There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
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Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.