HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
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Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.