Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

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Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”


Watching a Kristin Stewart movie. She’s being CHASED by ppl who want her DEAD. The CHEESE STICK I’m holding has a more frightened expression


If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW


eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.


We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.


He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.


“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”


Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.


78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don’t notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.


Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.