Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
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Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
HERE’S MARKY
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.