HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
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I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Never forget.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
The “baby” on the left….
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Time for evil