HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?