Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
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Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
That’s enough internet for the day
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single