Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
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The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I’m not stressed
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.