Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

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If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.


I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it ‘cuz it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.


You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.


Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.


“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”


*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.


When I go to a restaurant, I stare at the menu for 10 minutes, and then order the exact same thing I did the last 20 times I’ve been there.


Having a beer with a co-worker I was surprised to hear he was born in ’92.

Me: Wow. That’s young.
Him: And you?
Me: ’76
Him: You look really good for 76.
Me: Thanks. People often guess younger.

More conversation. I soon realize he thinks I’m 76 years old.


DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.


My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more.
Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!