@shariv67

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

@JiminyKicksIt

I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it ‘cuz it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.

@pondermymaker

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

@FeverFlave

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

@Tommytoughstuff

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

@iamspacegirl

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

@Rollinintheseat

When I go to a restaurant, I stare at the menu for 10 minutes, and then order the exact same thing I did the last 20 times I’ve been there.

@antoniogm

Having a beer with a co-worker I was surprised to hear he was born in ’92.

Me: Wow. That’s young.
Him: And you?
Me: ’76
Him: You look really good for 76.
Me: Thanks. People often guess younger.

More conversation. I soon realize he thinks I’m 76 years old.

@sofarrsogud

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

@WeissBrandon

My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more.
Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!