Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
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“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
This is a bad sign
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
wtf is a larm clock?
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.