Him: You seem nice.
Me: I do, don’t I?

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Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.


Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.


[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.


In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. “I wish he’d die,” says Cupcake. They all nod.


I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.


He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*


Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary