me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
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You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.