@SwimmingTablets

Him: You seem nice.
Me: I do, don’t I?

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@colinmochrie

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

@spacewizard_t

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

@StoneAgeRadio13

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

@yerpalmildsauce

In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. “I wish he’d die,” says Cupcake. They all nod.

@DadandBuried

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

@ItsSamG

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

@1par8head

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary