Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
You Might Also Like
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.