@nayele18maybe

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

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@_NTFG_

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

@Ygrene

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

@Nahdude83

I was making breakfast, then “She’s a maniac” came on the radio… Everything is a blur.
Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?

@TheHyyyype

*sees a tall guy*
“he must be a basketball player*

*sees a tall girl*
“she must be a basketball player”

*sees a tall tree*
“it must be a basketball player”

@mostlysharks

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

@Bob_Janke

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

@aissalanis

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!