A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
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Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I was making breakfast, then “She’s a maniac” came on the radio… Everything is a blur.
Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?
*sees a tall guy*
“he must be a basketball player*
*sees a tall girl*
“she must be a basketball player”
*sees a tall tree*
“it must be a basketball player”
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
this bacon wrapped sausage is making me feel uncomfortable.
If you play Stairway to Heaven backwards does it become Highway to Hell?
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!