Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
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[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Every damn time
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.