Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

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Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.


I’m a succubus but instead of sexual acts I lure you with my awkwardness and instead of stealing your soul, I steal your tacos


My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.


The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.


ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?


(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?


ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind


JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.


An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.


writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait