The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
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If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
normalize having existential bread
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.