I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
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15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*