@xLiserx

Him: You wanna 69?
Me: I’d rather do an 11.
Him: What’s that?
Me: We both lay in bed on our phones like we’ve been married for 15 years.

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@Rachelnoise

Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You’d think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they’d be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.

@samalmightysam

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

@Amazon_Blonde

911 what is your emergency?

Me: “My 6 year old hasn’t stopped talking since he got home”

911: “stay calm ma..

Me: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING

@3sunzzz

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

@BobbyBigWheel

Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting

@Damnsotrue

Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.