me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
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“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Smells like a challenge to me
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
This meal prepping shit easy
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?