ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Him: You wanna 69?
Me: I’d rather do an 11.
Him: What’s that?
Me: We both lay in bed on our phones like we’ve been married for 15 years.
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Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You’d think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they’d be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.
“i miss shittin on people”
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
911 what is your emergency?
Me: “My 6 year old hasn’t stopped talking since he got home”
911: “stay calm ma..
Me: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
Social distancing in Australia: