Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
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someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.