Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
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“Five year plan?”
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Lies I’ll never stop telling:
1. I’d never put you in a home, mom.
2. It’s 6 inches long.
3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
(Watching Liar Liar)
Wife: If you couldn’t lie for 24 hrs, how much longer would we be married?
Me: Until the end of this movie.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I never said that I hated you!
All I said is that I hope you have your period when the next Sharknado comes around.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
“Well, very clearly cats were sacred to them.” – Archeologist who discovers the Internet
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God: Get Noah on the line.