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Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.


“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper


Lies I’ll never stop telling:

1. I’d never put you in a home, mom.

2. It’s 6 inches long.

3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.


(Watching Liar Liar)

Wife: If you couldn’t lie for 24 hrs, how much longer would we be married?

Me: Until the end of this movie.


DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops


DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini



ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’


I never said that I hated you!

All I said is that I hope you have your period when the next Sharknado comes around.


How long do you have to wait between naps?


“Well, very clearly cats were sacred to them.” – Archeologist who discovers the Internet


Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?



God: Get Noah on the line.