I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
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Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”