Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
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[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.