Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
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[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
#TopTip
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe